Leeds Uni 1s 2 - 1 - Brooklands Poynton 2s

Well well well. This squad seems to have it all wrong. We turn up in droves on a Tuesday night to be battered by the elements – can’t get enough, some might say – but come a crisp Saturday morning, we’re dropping like flies! As the realisation slowly began to set in that no one else was turning up, the stalwart eleven 2s players made their way half a league, half a league, half a league onward* to the Weetwood Fortress.

The distinct lack of personnel might have been an issue for some teams, but not for us. No. Having not had the luxury of a consistent squad since the start of the season anyway, we know how to keep things fresh. Or at least Rick does. So, with the previous week’s proverbial kick up the backside fresh in our minds, we were determined to start battering the backboard to earn our first ‘real’ points. The warm-up was confident, and after some bizarre dance-routine ritual and aims-of-the-game, the Brookies girls went off with a bang.

What happened next was reminiscent of a scene from Lord of the Rings, as what can only be described as a Balrog came hurtling towards our D and proceeded to mark its territory. Nikki ‘Gandalf’ Tipping was having none of it, however, and managed to stop the Uni forward in her tracks every time. It took a fair ten minutes for us to settle in to our new positions, but once we did we were on fire. With Annika ‘Skills’ Hall tearing up the midfield and Roadrunner Bryden dancing around the aggressive Uni tackles, it was hard to understand why the goals just weren’t coming. Nevertheless, we kept our composure and managed to rise above the outrageous umpiring and whining opposition until the half-time whistle blew. 0-0. Sound familiar?

Rick was more than happy with the way things were going, and despite the odd wheezing and panting, we were most definitely holding our own against the army of Orcs. There was no way we were going to go out and repeat the previous week’s abysmal second-half, and within fifteen minutes we had secured a short-corner. A couple of previous attempts by Shandy the Rocket Launcher had come so close to sealing the deal, but a covert left slip was hammered home on the volley by Bryden to give us our first goal of the season. Unbelievable scenes. Now all we had to do was hold on, but twenty minutes is a long old time with the Uni now baying for blood. The atmosphere had reached fever pitch and had clearly interfered with what little judgement the umpires had demonstrated thus far, as Combtastic was presented with her first yellow for a superb one-on-one tackle on a particularly feisty inside forward. Ideal.

The 2s decided it was definitely time to park the bus, and with the minutes ticking down, it was starting to look like it was in the bag. That is, until the most ridiculous stroke in the history of strokes was awarded and Humph was in the spotlight once again. I don’t think I ever mentioned that Humph likes a good stroke as much as the next person, although this one was a little too good for our liking and the Balrog sunk to her knees in triumph as we all looked on in dismay. Two minutes left. We could either play it around and settle for the draw or go guts for glory and leave nothing on the pitch. Obviously we opted for the latter. Obviously it ended in misery. It seems that there’s a new rule in Leeds where you can award corners for feet outside the D even if you don’t see them, and with the last play of the game, the wrong backboard clattered and that was the end of that.

When can their glory fade? O the wild charge they made! Noble eleven. Annika did a fantastic job of stepping into the captain’s breach to rally us up throughout the game and even in defeat – thoroughly deserving the title of Man of the Match. Whilst Dick of the Day was awarded unanimously to the umpires, I’m pretty sure they won’t be interested in washing our shirts, so next up was Combover the Barbarian for her carding. Home game next week – let’s really go to town girls – there’s only so long I can bear to see DNHC at the top of the league!

* In case you think I’ve had one too many sticks to the head: http://poetry.eserver.org/light-brigade.html