Brooklands Poynton 2s 0 - 0 Lancaster 1s

The first league game of the season is always a funny one. Not funny like Tilly Dyos’ attempts at goal, but more in the sense of who can hold their nerve the longest. On the back of our emphatic tournament win the previous week, we were feeling pretty good about our performance as a unit, and were looking forward to hitting Lancaster ladies hard from the off. Things were always going to go well when No-Nonsense Smith decided to start the game without her gumshield, particularly when BPHC 2s conceded two early short corners, but the ever-solid back five put paid to any Cumbrian* dreams of hitting the backboard. This was the jolt we needed to kick-start our game, and strings of textbook passes flowed from the 16 right through to the far D to result in some short corner action of our own. A classic turnaround you might say, and a classic turnaround it could have been, had our regular castle members been available instead of swanning off to the Ryder Cup. Alas, our counter corners were met with the same success as our opponents’ – particularly as Usain Bolt had kindly taken time out of his busy schedule to run one for them – and no amount of improvisation could put the ball over the line.
At this point the game was literally end-to-end, and just before Combover could take off the umpire’s head for giving a ridiculous short (who knew feet and sticks were so indistinguishable?!), the half-time whistle blew. In her disgust, Comby started to stomp off the pitch before the realisation set in that she had to come back and play out the short. Awkward. We needn’t have worried though, as Iron Man Humherson (yes, Humherson) was on hand once again to show the one-trick ponies who was boss.
The half-time talk was positive – we had worked incredibly hard against a surprisingly fit side and all that was missing was that final step. It wasn’t that we were complacent by any means, but whatever happened in those few moments was enough to prepare Cumbria and co for an absolute rampage on the BPHC structure, flair, and confidence. A combination of panic and fatigue began to take over, and silly schoolgirl errors became the norm rather than the exception all over the pitch. For some it all got too much, with Texas Chainsaw Sears receiving a green then a yellow in quick succession following a clamp-down on stick tackling. It wasn’t our fault that they were so gangly their sticks were all over the place, but hey, what can you do? Maybe we should ask Bobby Robson, who decided to show Rhi some support and try to kill the same girl. Another one bites the dust. With the final moments of the game ticking down, and the ball barely leaving our 25 save for an unfortunate reverse-stick miss from our resident one-trick pony, we conceded a final short corner and the whistle blew. Steam was coming out of the Hump’s ears as the back five discussed their plan of attack, and poor Rick was on the verge of a heart attack. But not on our watch. A well-rehearsed routine saw a straight-strike deflection fly millimetres over the crossbar and that was it – game over.
If we’re really honest with ourselves, we were very lucky to even get a point, and the final score of 0-0 does not do justice to the Lancaster ladies’ performance. Onwards and upwards from here though girls – it’s out of the way, now here’s to our first win next week!
Man of the match went unanimously to our resident hero Rach Humpherson who pulled out a stellar performance to keep us in the game. Ele Cliffe is thanking her lucky stars that Rhi’s cards earned her the title of dick of the day, as under any other circumstances she would have been a prime contender. You have been warned…

P.S. This other really cool thing happened where Hump made an incredible one-on-one save after Combover decided to catch the ball on the line in her feet. As both parties have already featured prominently in this report, it was decided to leave this part of the story out to let other members of the team get a look in. Due to popular demand, this decision has since been repealed. I hope you are all happy.

*Geographical locations have been changed to protect identities.